


Wash Me

by CityEscape4



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Intentionally left timeline ambiguous, based off a tumblr post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-24 00:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16169468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CityEscape4/pseuds/CityEscape4
Summary: Convinced they need to grow a mean bone or two in their bodies, Grif decides to give Doc and Donut a lazy lesson in being mean. Things don't work out quite like he hopes.





	Wash Me

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of [this](http://cityescape4.tumblr.com/post/136735440064) tumblr post.

“Do it.”

“Grif, in all honesty, I don’t think that’s approp—“

_“Do it.”_

Doc Shifted uncomfortably, a single hand gesturing to the dirty warthog next to them. “But Grif, Sarge told _you_ to cle—“

“Dammit Doc," Grif seethed through gritted teeth, " _ **do it.”**_

It was then that Donut walked up, interrupting the duo's conversation. “What’s going on, guys?”

“Grif’s telling me to… to… to _defame_ Red Team’s Warthog!” Doc cried.

Grif scoffed, folding his arms as he glared at Doc. “Writing something in the grime of this tank of shit hardly counts as defamation, Doc.”

“Writing something?" Donut cocked his head somewhat, looking to Grif curiously. "Like what?”

“Anything?" Grif replied with a shrug. "The way I see it, like it or not, you and Doc could benefit from a mean bone or two in your bodies.”

“Oh Grif, I've liked every bone thats ever been in my body!”

“What I mean is," Grif said sternly, not bothering to acknowledge Donut's unfortunate choice of words, "You two could learn to be a little less nice.”

“What about O’Malley?”

Like clockwork, the shift from Doc to O'Malley was as fluid as water, and went almost undetercted if not for O'Malley releasing a cry of “Let’s see how this orange buffoon likes waking up to a live grenade in his bed!” 

Now Grif was getting pissed. “Dammit Doc, I swear to god—“

“Hey.”

All three of the soldiers looked to the owner of the voice. “Caboose?" Doc asked, "What are you—“

“I’m just taking Freckles for a walk. Isn’t that right, boy?”

“Hostiles detected.”

“Oh, Freckles! Why you are just so silly. Its Grif and Doc and Brigadier Butterscotch!”

“… Correction: Grif detected.”

“Hey!”

“No, Freckles." Caboose said insistantly, gently shaking the living gun. "Ah, geeze guys, he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today or something." He frowned and began to turn away, "I suppose we’ll just finish his walk now.”

“Wait, Caboose!”

Caboose stopped and turned back around, looking to Grif. "Yeah?"

"Maybe you could teach Donut and Doc to be a little meaner."

All eyes went to Grif then, Doc sounding unconvinced as he spoke. "Caboose? Mean? Grif, do I need to check you for head trauma?"

"Well," Grif said with a scoff as he rolled his eyes, "Caboose has at least been able to say he hates babies or some shit like that."

"Did he actually mean it though?!"

As Grif and Doc began to argue, Donut uncertaintly looked over the Warthog, and reluctantly wrote in the grime, shuddering as he finished, wiping his finger on Grif.

> Wash  
>  me

There was a silence that momentarily settled amongst the four of them, before Grif spoke up. "Seriously? _That's_ the worst you could do?" With a sigh, he mumbled under his breath, _"...making me do all the goddamn work..."_ and added on to the 'insult' that Donut had put up.

> Agent Washington  
>  is mean

"That's a start."

With a gasp, Donut put a hand to his mouth. _"Grif._ That's horrible!"

With a nod, Doc agreed, "Yeah, Grif, Wash could see that..."

"That's the point, idiots, its supposed to be mean." Grif folded his arms, and shook his head. "Besides, that's nothing."

As the three of them were talking, Caboose stared at the written grime, a small frown on his face as a look of determined thought came over him. After a moment, he smiled, happily writing in the grime as well, further altering Red Team's joint insult:

> Agent Washington  
>  is ^ mean  
>  not 

"I fixed it."

"Aww, Caboose! Come on!" Grif groaned and threw his hands down, while Doc and Donut did their best to stifle their laughter. "Whatever," he cried, storming off, "I'm done here!"

* * *

Agent Washington sighed as he left Blue Team's base, having had a long, extensive training session with Tucker, when he noticed something off about Red Team's warthog. It was dirty, as usual, but there was something scribbled through the grime... was that his name?

"Agent Washington is not mean." Wash read aloud, frowning slightly at how the 'not' was observably added in through an arrow after all the rest of the words. "Ok then, I guess." He shook his head and sighed, chalking it up to yet another of Red Team's silly antics.


End file.
